top of page
Search

Autism: Masking is Survival, Not Social Skill

"Masking is an autistic trait, but autistics don't mask because we are autistic. We mask because we have been traumatized from being in a society where everything we do is criticized because we don't fit the norm." - autistic advocate Morgaan Foley.

This quote shows what many autistic people experience: masking isn't a natural part of being autistic. It happens because society treats autistic behavior as wrong and constantly criticizes it.


This is what autism masking really is. It's not about getting better at socializing or growing as a person. It's about staying safe.



The Invisible Performance


Autism masking means hiding autistic behaviors to fit in and be accepted. Autistic people do this by holding back their natural movements (called stims), forcing themselves to make eye contact even when it's uncomfortable, planning out conversations before they happen, and constantly watching their face to make sure they look "normal" to others.


One autistic woman, age 41, described it simply: "I copy people's phrases, and dress sense too."


But masking is about much more than just these behaviors. As psychologist Dr. Megan Neff, who was diagnosed with autism later in life, describes: "The exhausting effort I put into social interactions, the constant feeling of having a performative self".


Masking doesn't make life easier. It makes it survivable.


There's an important difference here. When you hide your autistic traits at work so people don't call you "difficult," that's not career growth—it's doing what you need to do to keep your job. When you push yourself to go to social events even though you'll need days to recover afterward, that's not building friendships—it's trying not to be left alone in a world that rejects people who are different.


As one study participant put it: "I feel foreign to myself because all the behaviours I've adopted to mask have been to keep myself safe, but they've also boxed me into a corner and stifled me" (nonbinary person, age 23).


The Cost Nobody Sees


The problem with masking is that it seems to work. Other people see autistic people who mask and think they're doing fine. They don't see all the hard work happening behind the scenes.


Research on autistic burnout reveals what masking truly costs:


Chronic exhaustion - Not just feeling tired—rest doesn't help. Autistic adults describe burnout as "exhaustion that doesn't go away," losing abilities they once had, and becoming more sensitive to things around them. One participant described it as "Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew."


Loss of self - One woman, age 48, compared prolonged masking to grief: "I feel that I am grieving for the little girl who just wanted her own space and peace to read and play with dolls. She was forced to be someone else. I feel as though I am wearing a different person. I don't know where I went, or who I could have become if I hadn't been forced to be someone else."


Mental health crisis - In a large research study about masking, researchers found links between masking and thoughts of suicide. One autistic participant, age 34, shared: "I didn't learn that I only get suicidal during meltdowns until I removed all masking obligations… I spent 13 years burnt out."


Physical health impacts - The ongoing stress causes headaches, stomach problems, a weaker immune system, more anxiety and depression, and sometimes harmful ways of coping like eating too little or using drugs or alcohol.


Research shows that masking requires "immense mental and emotional energy, leading to emotional exhaustion and increased vulnerability to burnout." Autistic author Jolene Stockman describes the constant vigilance: "You know how you can tell when someone's different, a little bit off? Well, we can tell that you can tell. You give it away with changes in your body language, your micro-expressions, the words that you use, all the little signs of rejection that I've been reading and adapting to since I was a child.”


Why Masking Happens


Masking often begins young, sometimes so early it becomes intertwined with a person's core identity. As Dr. Alice Nicholls, an autistic clinical psychologist, explains: many autistic children are "told off for stimming, or told we were making social errors and that people wouldn't like us if we didn't behave in a certain way. We might have noticed neurotypical children getting more positive feedback from other children and adults and tried to mimic them in order to gain the same positive attention."


For some autistic people, they were directly taught to hide who they are. ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) therapy is still widely used in the US. It tries to make autistic people "behave less autistically by denying them things they like unless they stop stimming, start talking, make eye contact etc," according to Nicholls.


Writer Erik Devaney, diagnosed as an adult after years of masking, remembers how it started: "Eventually it was ingrained in me that 'normal' boys didn't wear neon pink and orange eyewear straps." What seemed like small corrections—don't hold your own hand, spread your cream cheese smooth, not in chunks—added up over time. Eventually, they completely stopped this person from being themselves.


The message is clear: you have to fit in to be accepted, get a job, and stay safe.

The Lie We're Sold


Many people think masking is just something everyone does—we all adjust to fit in socially, and autistic people just need to work a little harder at it. But this misses something important: non-autistic people aren't hiding who they really are. They're not holding back basic parts of how their brain works just to be treated like human beings.


Author Devon Price, in their book Unmasking Autism, writes: "Though masking is incredibly taxing and causes us a lot of existential turmoil, it's rewarded and facilitated by neurotypical people. Masking makes Autistic people easier to 'deal' with. It renders us compliant and quiet. It also traps us."


Studies back this up: masking was the number one reason people gave for autistic burnout. When society expects autistic people to mask, it's not about everyone understanding each other better—it's about making non-autistic people comfortable while hurting autistic people's health and happiness.


Devon Price writes: "Most of us are haunted by the sense there's something 'wrong' or 'missing' in our lives—that we're sacrificing far more of ourselves than other people in order to get by and receiving far less in return."


What Unmasking and Recovery Look Like


Studies about autistic burnout recovery show three main things help: being accepted and having support, having lower demands on you, and being allowed to do things in ways that work for your autistic brain.


Autistic writer Erik Devaney described his experience discovering he was autistic after decades of masking: "Before discovering I have autism, I would often ask myself the following questions without ever being able to come up with satisfying answers: Why do I dedicate hours and hours and hours of my time to special interests that I'm embarrassed to talk about?" For many, diagnosis and unmasking means finally understanding themselves.


Unmasking doesn't mean being "rude" or "inappropriate." It means:


  • Stimming when needed

  • Setting boundaries around social energy

  • Being honest about sensory needs

  • Speaking directly instead of using neurotypical social scripts

  • Letting people see genuine reactions instead of performed ones

  • Prioritizing recovery time without guilt


Writer Erik Devaney, describing his experience after being diagnosed as an adult, captured what many feel: "After 30+ years of practice, I've gotten so good at masking (a.k.a. 'camouflaging my autistic traits') I can guarantee there are at least some people reading this right now thinking to themselves: 'There's no way he's autistic.'" Unmasking means no longer needing to prove your struggles are real.


The autistic community says that acceptance is essential—both from others and from yourself. In studies, autistic people described how connecting with other autistic people was crucial for recovery. These connections helped them feel validated and gave them information and support from people who truly understood what they were going through.


Devon Price notes: "Almost every Autistic person I spoke to has found that in order to build a life that suits them, they've had to learn to let certain unfair expectations go, and withdraw from activities that don't matter to them. It's scary to allow ourselves to disappoint other people, but it can be radical and liberating, too."


The Question That Changes Everything


Here's what I want you to think about: Where do you pretend to be someone you're not?

Is it at work, where you plan out every email and practice what you'll say in meetings? Is it with family who don't accept that you're different? Is it with friends where you're always tired but scared to be yourself? Is it in public when you force yourself to seem "normal" so people don't judge you or bother you?


Think about where you hide who you really are. Think about what this does to you.

Here's the truth: you shouldn't need to act like someone else just to be treated with respect. You shouldn't have to change yourself into something easier for others just to exist in the world.


Masking isn't a skill. It's about staying safe. And you deserve better than just staying safe.


Tell me in the comments: Where do you pretend to be someone you're not? What would your life look like if you didn't have to?


Bonus Video

For further viewing on autism and masking:


Sources & Further Reading


This post draws on research and lived experiences from the autistic community, including:



For more personal stories and community support, explore the #ActuallyAutistic hashtag on social media platforms.

Comments

Join our mailing list

bottom of page